


You Don't Have To Say I Love You

by mageicalwishes



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Graphic/Described in Real Detail Just Sort of Mentioned, One Shot, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23684656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageicalwishes/pseuds/mageicalwishes
Summary: Back at Watford, Baz has a confession to make.He's unsure of where him and Simon stand, what he can and can't do, but surely they're allowed this."The words die in my throat, a wave of nerves crashing over me. I’m petrifyingly uncertain of what may lay on the other side of this moment. I don't know whether we’re allowed this. I don’t know whether I should take this leap. My mind begs me to retreat - To remain in the safety of the unsaid. But deep inside of me, that unquenchable desire to just say it remains, urging me onwards. I have to tell him. He has to know. Even if he can’t say it back."
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 11
Kudos: 83





	You Don't Have To Say I Love You

Simon Snow is curled under the duvet of his old bed, his larger, filled-out frame barely squeezing onto the mattress. He’s covered in cuts and bruises again - His tawny skin painted frightful shades black and blue. Being back here has really taken it out of him. Physically and mentally. It’s like Watford is taking bites out of him - Swinging at him every time it gets the chance.

He’s laying unnaturally still, his body stiff with tension, and his breaths coming out in heavy, stuttering puffs. He’s panicked. I can tell. It’s a feeling I’ve become far too familiar with seeing in him these days. Sometimes his attacks are loud - Tameless sobbing, and wild hyperventilation. But other times, like now, they’re quiet - Nothing but an easily unnoticed tension, and a detached, thousand-yard stare. I understand, of course. I get them too sometimes … When I dwell. Though, it still hurts to see him like this. Hurting. Alone. It’s unbearable. I wish I could make it go away for him. I wish I could make it stop. But I can’t.

I can’t even figure out how to aptly comfort him when he’s like this. Sometimes he wants to be held - Desperately clinging onto me, like I’m the only life ring for miles, in the turbulent sea of his mind. Sometimes he wants to be left alone entirely - Hiding behind closed doors, and silent, stony stares. And sometimes even _he_ doesn’t know what he wants - Rubbing his wrists anxiously, and bouncing between begging for me to stay and pleading for me to just leave him alone. If I could just figure out what he needed, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d do anything for him. 

Tentatively, I reach across the gap that separates us, resting my hand on the pillow besides his head. Offering him my touch. 

“Is everything alright, Love,” I whisper, my voice shattering the heavy silence of the room. 

He huffs, sitting himself upright, and turning his upper body in my direction. He doesn’t say anything in response. Choosing instead to sit in silence, staring into the darkness - His brows pulled together in worry, and a deep frown etched across his face. 

Unsure of what to do, I lay frozen, waiting for him to make the next move. It’s always like this between us now - Uncertain. Both of us dancing around one another, unsure of what we can do. Unsure of what we _should_ do. Everything used to come so naturally. We knew each other unthinkingly. And loving one another was simple. But, nowadays … Not so much. 

I’ve loved him through worse, and I love him still (Obviously). Every cell in my body is filled with it. I love him so much, sometimes, I think it will kill me. That somehow, I’ll combust with it all - My body simply incapable of containing all that I feel any longer.

I know that someday things will be as they once were - Easy. Carefree. In spite of it all, I know that we belong together. Even in our darkest hours, when all the hope that a better tomorrow was coming seemed to have vanished, I never lost faith in that simple fact. I never lost faith in us. As Simon once said - 'We match'. We’re two halves of a whole. Sun and Moon. Day and Night. Life and Death. 

We’ll get through this, together. I know it. 

A moment later, he moves, throwing his legs over the side of his bed, and standing. Creeping across the space between us, he plops himself down onto the bed besides me. 

“Shove over,” he gruffs, pushing my leg lightly. 

I oblige, hastily shuffling backwards to make room for him in the bed. Flashing me a shy half-smile, he lays himself down next to me, his wings flopping limply against the mattress behind him. We’re facing each other now, our noses barely fifteen centimetres apart. 

Upclose, I can see every detail of his face, illuminated beautifully by the moonlight. The alluring constellation of freckles. The small lines that decorate his full lips. The slight curl of his stubby, bronze lashes. Even, the small scars left behind from his pimpled teenage years. The landscape of Snow’s face is something I’d never tire of studying. He’s infallibly handsome - Always has been.

Wordlessly, he takes my hands in his, pulling them towards his body, and laying them against the curve of his waist. He leans forwards, resting his forehead against mine, and letting out a deep sigh. His eyes are clenched shut, clearly apprehensive. But, it’s an unmistakable invitation - One that I won’t refuse him. Willingly, I snake my arms further around his waist, pulling his body closer to mine. My cool fingertips sliding against his searing skin, tracing indistinguishable shapes against his side, in an attempt to soothe him. 

“Is there anything I can do?” I ask, my voice hushed. 

“Just - Just stay,” he mumbles, fluttering his eyelashes open to look at me. Blue meeting grey. 

“Always,” I affirm, unhesitantly. I’m his - Entirely his. For as long as he wants me. I’d reassure him of that fact everyday, if that’s what he needed - It would never cease to be true. 

“Good,” he sighs, reaching up to rest a hand against my cheek, his tail simultaneously wrapping itself around my upper-thigh. “I never want you to leave.” 

* * *

We lay in silence for a while, our gradually slowing breaths the only sound in the room. Mercifully, I think the worst of it may be over for him now - The suffocating panic having loosened its grip on him slightly. 

“Simon,” I murmur. 

“Mmm,” he hums, lifting his head up slightly to look at me. 

“There’s something that need to tell you. I’ve been meaning to tell you it for a while now, actually.”

“What?” He says, swallowing anxiously. 

“Nothing bad,” I reassure, realising the mistake of my vagueness. “You don’t need to worry. I just -” The words die in my throat, a wave of nerves crashing over me. I’m petrifyingly uncertain of what may lay on the other side of this moment. I don't know whether we’re allowed this. I don’t know whether I should take this leap. My mind begs me to retreat - To remain in the safety of the unsaid. But deep inside of me, that unquenchable desire to just _say it_ remains, urging me onwards. I have to tell him. He has to know. Even if he can’t say it back.

“I love you,” I breathe, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. 

And just like that, he knows. It’s out there - Those three little words hanging thickly in the air between us. His body stiffens almost immediately, the muscles of his back pulling taut with tension. 

Crowley. I should’ve known to keep my mouth shut. But no - I’m sickeningly greedy. He’s here, with me, giving me all of this - And yet, here I am … Insisting on taking more than he can give. I’m a constant disappointment to myself. I suck in a painful breath, and pull my hands away from him, giving him the space to flee. My heart aches - Lying terrifyingly exposed, vulnerable outside of the walls of my chest. 

“I didn’t mean - You don’t have to say it back,” I stumble out. “I understand. I didn’t say it as a demand for reciprocity. I said it because … Well, because it’s true. I’ve known for a long time and I - I just needed you to know. I don’t want anything in return. I don’t _need_ anything in return. I just wanted you to know.” 

“Baz,” he whispers, grabbing hold of my wrists. “Look at me.” 

Hesitantly, I blink my eyes open, meeting his gaze once more. His lips pulling into a small, half-smile in response. 

“It’s not-” he continues, his voice wavering nervously. “It’s not that I don’t - I mean. I’m not saying I don’t -” 

“Simon,” I interrupt. “You don’t have to explain. I - I understand. Really, I do. I wasn’t expecting you to say it back - I don’t need that from you. All I needed was for you to know.” 

“Okay,” he breathes, nuzzling the side of his nose against mine. “I just - I’ve never been the best with words, you know. I just - I just want. I don’t know what I want. I just - I can’t. I just can’t do it.” 

My heart despairs at the bitter tone of defeat in his voice. 

He sighs heavily, lifting his arms up to cradle my face within the warmth of his hands. He pulls slightly, dragging me down into a searing kiss. It’s hot and desperate - His mouth sliding against mine desperately, his lips trying to convey all that remains unsaid between us. 

Pulling away slightly, he breathes out a quiet “I’m sorry. I just can’t.” 

I rest my hand against the side of his head, smoothing his curls through my fingers. “It’s okay, Love. Everything is okay”. 

He doesn’t have to say it - Because I know. I know what he’s feeling, because I feel it as well. Even if I don’t deserve it, I know how it feels to be loved by Simon Snow. 

“I just - I just wish it could be simple. I just wish I could be normal again,” he sighs, his voice tightly knotted. 

He turns away from me then, as if ashamed. Curling his body in on itself, and wrapping his wings around his frame protectively.

“Simon. You are normal,” I assert. “Everything that you’ve been through - Anybody would struggle to handle that. You’re so strong. Even if you can’t see it yourself - I can. You’ll be alright. Everything will be alright.” 

He exhales loudly, reaching backwards and grabbing my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. 

“And you?” He says, pressing the palm of my hand flat against his chest and interlocking our fingers. “Will you be alright?” 

I blink, surprised - The softness of his voice catching me off guard.

“Of course, my Love,” I whisper, pressing a chaste kiss to the spiked ridge of his wing. “Everything is okay as long as I’ve got you”

**Author's Note:**

> I've never really written anything this angsty before (I tend to just ignore all the pain of WS in my writing), but I thought I'd try something a little different. Hopefully, I did an okay job.  
> As always, I hope you enjoyed :) Thank you for reading!  
> My Tumblr: [Link text](https://mageicalwishes.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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